Thursday, October 11, 2007

Those sucky 'shoulda-coulda-wouldas'

"And if I could show you, you would never leave it."
- Slug, Abusing of the rib

The other day, I got an e-mail from my school's Arts & Humanities department regarding customized "student programs" that would take students to study in either Mexico or Peru. I don't know why, but I got all excited and interested in the possibility of me studying culture and history deep in South America. I started looking into other programs and discovered there were more programs that would bring me to Japan, Argentina, and throughout Europe. I IMed my brother asking if he thought my parents would let me go, and he was like "well if you can pay for it, then go for it". I proceeded to ask my dad later that day if I could go, and he shot me down as if my dreams were birds and my dad was playing "Duck Hunt" - with two guns, guns pushing up against the TV screen like many kids did back in the day. I wasn't surprised at my dad's decision.

My parents grew up in the Philippines and I'm sure that as they grew up, there was very little chance for social mobility and opportunity. The big dream over there was to move to the U.S., studying in more exotic parts of the world was just overkill. So my dad just thinks that going to an American public university is enough for me. In many ways I agree. My school is no Peru or Argentina but there is a wealth of knowledge at my disposal that is available when I step on campus.

But nothing beats travel. Nothing beats first-hand experiences of different societies. But I really doubt I'll get to study abroad nor will I take a trip out to some distant part of the world to study ancient civilization. I mean, I can probably do that when I'm already done with school and have a life of my own, but it wouldn't be the same when being experienced as a college student. I began to get real jealous of people who go on these trips and live out their college life to the max. I'm just living out my credit card to the max.

I got all emo about it for a few hours. There are a few "coulda-woulda-shouldas" that we wish we had the courage or ability to do/perform/live out. These are very realistic aspirations which are blocked off because of things that we consider "more real", ie. bills, responsibility, family. I kinda wish I took my emceeing seriously and at least honed my writing skills in a musical sense. I write and formulate verses all the time but they never see the light of day because I'm so scared of critique.

There are also "coulda-shoulda-wouldas" when it comes to relationships and friendships. I don't think I ever lost a friendship but as much as I don't regret the choices I've made, I often wonder what would have happened if I took more chances with certain people. Had I known when I was younger that I was actually attractive to other attractive people, my life would have been a lot different. Like, I might have contracted something yucky or turned out a player with a bad rap sheet, only to have karma bite me in the end.

"Shoulda-woulda-couldas" are everywhere. We all experience it because not everyone takes that route and we second-guess ourselves constantly. The way we approach these consequences and results is a BIGGITY-BITCH because it feels like a never-ending thing. The mind is so complex that it makes very simple things like life choices and decisions and gives it a slap of regretful feelings. But they never go away, so I really hope people don't dwell on it too much. I feel that each coulda, woulda and shoulda has a few hours of grace period to feel bad about your life. But after that, you need to live it out and look on to what's ahead and what's right now.

Welcome to Ramon's creation myth snitches. Homer and the Mahabharata ain't got DUNG on me!

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